


Chasing Sweetness

by fluffygot7



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Actor Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Depression, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff, Gay, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by K-Drama | Korean Drama, Kissing, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Producer Im Jaebum | JB, Shy Im Jaebum | JB, Sleep Deprivation, Soft Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Teen Romance, Teenagers, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:08:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25683295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluffygot7/pseuds/fluffygot7
Summary: It starts with a misunderstanding between the two and Jinyoung carries most of the burden, or so it seems.They were the bestest of friends and somehow Jaebum just up and left, or (again) that's what it seems.And just when he wanted to close that book, he comes back.Does he want him back? How will this story end?
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo yo it's me Ana. If you guys read. Not His Mistake I'm so sorry! I was losing track of what I was doing with it. Pls take this as a token of my shame. :(  
> I'll update when I can! Usually Sunday's tho :)

_"Well now really when we go back into falling in love. And say, it’s crazy. Falling. You see? We don’t say “rising into love.” There is in it the idea of the fall. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith an act of gamble. The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith because you don’t really know that the floor’s not going to give under your feet."_

_Alan Watts_

The idea of being in love unbeknownst to the person who will love marks a clear distinction between wishing and wanting to actually - loving. The push and the pull of the two people who never saw themselves rushing into full force to meet halfway and sacrifice more than they had imagined. And in the journey they find that it's ruthless, the wanting to stay in love. Yet when the going gets good there are no such thoughts. No such handwritings in one or the other's pocket full of regret and no need to hope for more because that person has it all.

…

Jinyoung's eyes flutter with the memory of summer twelve when he met his now lover, boyfriend and best friend of his life. He is about to awaken when sleep claims him once more - to which Jaebum would laugh at if he had seen him. The blue blanket wrapped around Jinyoung's torso, a hand reaching out to grasp at something - maybe at the memory of them two. The wild, untameable Jaebum and his sidekick which he wasn't until…

\---

_"Jinyoung!"_

_Jinyoung turns to the sound of the voice, a mere 5 year old wearing his best clothes. Dark blue jeans and a cardigan that Jaebum adores and follows Jinyoung around to try and get him to tell him where he had bought the shirt. Apparently the cardigan was beautiful in the eyes of Jaebum. Jinyoung found something else beautiful in comparison to a mere sweater that he has almost already worn out._

_"Why ever would you think it's ugly? It reminds me of the fall and not having to worry about it being hot or cold. Of hot chocolate in the mornings and ice cream in the evenings."_

_As Jaebum kept rambling, Jinyoung placed a hand on his cheek and stared at him. His pale white fingers graced Jaebum's forming bruise and Jaebum figured that Jinyoung found out even though he had tried his best to make him see everything but that._

_"Your mom?"_

_"Shut up." said Jaebum while he cradled Jinyoung's hand "You promised you wouldn't pick on why I end up bruised! You said-"_

_"Your mom, isn't it almost time for you to head back?"_

_Jaebum turned around and Jinyoung smiled mischievously as he grabbed the folders hair and pushed him toward him in a hug._

_"I promise." Jinyoung whispered into the hug as Jaebum cried his eyes out, holding onto him like a starved man_

_Later, Jinyoung would realize that it was probably too good to be true to have a friend like Jaebum. He would feel his friend slip away from his fingertips like molasses and he would feel so lost. So alone that even his home felt different - it felt like a house and an ordinary one at that._

_He would tell at the other's disposition to leave him as if though he were a Neanderthal or they were ill fated._

_"Jinyoungah" his mother would cry out when he would come home all cut up and bruised_

_"Jinyoung!" his father would yell when Jinyoung would throw a tantrum in the middle of the store_

_But nobody would make sure that he felt better after all that. He would stitch himself back up and give up on August and September and October sometimes. And sometimes he would see Jaebum in the patio and he would run down but Jaebum was_

_gone._

_It was bittersweet - a friendship of five years gone down the drain. The items that would forever remind him of that single fact were etched with strange phrases his parents couldn't understand. Even then, Jinyoung was ahead of everyone in his life but in fact he acted like he was but at two or three a.m. he would hear a knock or feel a tingle in his heart and he would cry and cry._

_The first love is always the hardest - the type that knows no boundaries and is concerned about nobody. There are no titles or rules to abide by. And maybe that's why when Jinyoung lost his first real friend he lost his mind._

_He picked up the pieces by the time his parents sent him to the United States to study. He promised he would do better, begged for them to let him go alone and rejoiced in the added effort that they put in seeing him as comfortable as he could be._

_It was one year. One year really but he had grown a foot by the time was to leave. He left no trace behind in his apartment but kissed his uncle and aunt and allowed them to worry as much as they wanted about him leaving again._

_"It's okay." he told them_

_Because it was going to be okay._

_He no longer needed a friend or a lover. He wouldn't be a fool again. Wouldn't want for anything else but summer and winter. And the cardigan - it rests in a room that he'll never come back to. It remains the only remainder of the relationship that was budding between two children, two neighbors and two boys._

_On the flight back he tried his hardest to just fall asleep and when he was close to sleep he fought against it. In fact he shed a year on his right away before he plunged himself deep into dream and memory land. It wasn't sweet like it tensed to be - yet he got caught up at his yelling. To who was he yelling? To who did he need to yell? When he saw his five year old self crying in a corner he knew._

_That was exactly when the plane veered sharply down and Jinyoung snapped his eyes open. 10 a.m. He exhaled sharply and looked to his right. In utter shock he looked away - the young man across from him sleeping was Jaebum._

\---

Jaebum walks into their shared bedroom and smiles at the image of Jinyoung sprawled in the bed, his shorts hardly covering him properly. He was snoring softly; his forehead was creased as if he was struggling with a nightmare yet again.

Jaebum smiled again as he took Jinyoung into his arms and held him - the younger coiling himself more around him. His face relaxed and he blinked softly before opening his beautiful brown eyes to look up at his husband.

"Good morning." said Jaebum softly

"Morning." Jinyoung said shyly, but hugging him tighter "I love you."

"I love you more but we've gotta get up."

"Oh really?" replied Jinyoung mischievously as he threw Jaebum into the bed and both laughed until their sides hurt

Jinyoung looked into Jaebum's eyes and called him beautiful.

"Always."

"Yes, and always yours."

They both smiled and snuggled together, and soon both were asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls tell me what you guys would love to hear about from their relationship and what other quotes I can use about them! It doesn't have to be directly linked to how I portrayed them. Thanks for reading!  
> \- ANA XO


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to update so early but I had to cause my brain was reeling about not posting this so I can continue with the next episode.

_Cause in my head (in my head, I do everything right)_   
_(When you call I'll forgive and not fight)_   
_(All the moments I play in the dark)_   
_(Wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart)_

_Lorde “Supercut”_

_If when Jinyoung saw Jaebum he would've been more ready - if only he had rehearsed what he had wanted to say, then maybe he wouldn't have ended up on board a plane for twenty four hours together with him. He wouldn't have to have moved his head elsewhere constantly._

_Jinyoung had prepared. Only it had been two years since he had even talked himself. Even that had been pitiful of him to do but he did it anyway. He grovelled about shopping with his parents, yelled about the fact that he didn't want to go to the U.S. and even spent all his time staring uselessly at the ceiling._

_Soon he became bored with the same old talk and he stopped fighting everyone and everything and he fought himself._

_He placed his fists in the wall - any wall and would hit it until his knuckles were green and purple. But it was only until then that he could sleep peacefully. It was addicting - he could almost go on a day without bitching at imaginary five year old Jinyoung about how he was sooo stupid._

_"How could you be friends with someone like him?"_

_"He never cared about you!"_

_Tears streamed down his face and he would fall to his knees. In desperation his mother sent him to live with his father in a small summer house they owned. There, the walls were paper thin and he couldn't cry or imagine to his heart's content. There he didn't know anybody and nobody knew about the stolen moments, didn't know about the purple scarf he wrapped around them both as they kissed. Nobody whispered whether he was fine after his 'boyfriend' had left him._

_His lips would keep shut and he would only be asked every once in a while to speak in class._

_It was during the summer that his mother told him to head to New York._

_"It'll clear your mind Jinyoung." his mother said in a strained tone_

_Jinyoung knew how hard it was for his mother to decide to allow him to leave at such an early age to another country. So, he just nodded. He hugged her. He gave her the answers she wanted to hear. He loved her dearly and knew she wanted him to find himself just as much and maybe even more than he wanted to._

_\---_

"Uncle! Uncle!" yelled Soeun as she was placed on the ground

Her little arms flailed as she reached Jinyoung and he cradled her in his arms

It was odd, he never imagined his sister ever having a young daughter - hell a child at all, but here he was a twenty seven year old uncle holding tightly onto his perky five year old niece.

His sister greeted him soon after her child and hugged him before asking how he was. He replied the usual but he smiled wider and he dressed with more care. His sister couldn't ignore those details and she was content with what she saw.

More than anyone in the family, Jihyo had been really tight with Jinyoung. Even when the older hadn't told her much she knew.

"Uncle! Uncle I met a boy at school but eomma told me to avoid him."

"How come?"

"Cause he's pretty."

At that Jinyoung smiled but seeing his niece's distressed scoffed at his sister and told her off about telling her niece to get away from said boy.

"You know sister that if you do that to her she might not meet her Jaebum."

"Mhmm!" said Soeun "I want a love story as beautiful as uncle's!"

At this the Park siblings laughed and told her how right she had been all along. Of course! A five year old like her was so intelligent and mature how could they even dust off what she had to say to them?

A couple of minutes later, as Soeun took her nap and they were sharing tteokbokki Jihyo and Jinyoung reminisced about his love life. The ups and downs both of them underwent and how somehow fate connected the three of them, Jihyo, Jaebum and Jinyoung.

"But now you got your happily ever after."

"It's the ending that matters, yeodongsaeng."

"You're right." she replied her eyes sad for a moment before she clicked her cup with his and they descended into her favorite topic

the eventual meetup

_\---_

_Jinyoung quivered under his blanket as he looked at Jaebum who was close. Too close in fact. He could almost touch him and his scarred eyebrow was the one he could see from the corner of his eyes. Before long the tension caused him to sleep again and he was dreaming with him again._

_When he came to, he was slouched and drooling in his seat. The flight attendant tried her best to avoid laughing at him as she told him the plane had landed safely._

_"Am I the last person on board?" he managed out_

_"Well not really." she said unwillingly almost as if trying to keep him in the dark_

_"The young man opposite you is asleep as well."_

_"Who -?"_

_He turned softly and he had a daydream._

_One_   
_where_   
_Jaebum_   
_and him_   
_talked_   
_and_   
_perhaps_   
_they_   
_forgave_   
_old_   
_times_   
_and_   
_perhaps_   
_they_   
_picked_   
_a small_   
_fight_   
_but_   
_they_   
_ended up_   
_Together._

_However when he snapped his head back towards Jaebum the flight attendant was at Jaebum's side and she was yelling._

_“Doctor. Doctor, get a doctor.”_

…

_“Are you ready? Ready? One two.”_

_Outside, unable to hear the instructions; Jinyoung paced at the Dong Eui - Medical Center._   
_He was wringing his hands when a nurse approached him and handed him bottled water. This did nothing to calm his nerves but the nurse stopped looking at him from across the room._

_Jinyoung knew that nothing out of the ordinary could be happening because it seemed to have been something routine that was happening to Jaebum. Yet, he couldn’t help but wonder at the doctor and nurses look that he noted immediately after signing papers for Jaebum to be taken into the surgery room._

_Apparently he had been right before, because Jaebum was taken back to a room to rest and Jinyoung was told what happened._

_“It’s sleep apnea.”_

_“Wait, so he’s fine?”_   
_“I wouldn’t say that.” the doctor said sternly “I would just say he’s still alive but he struggled to catch his breath when we did exams on his body so maybe it would be best if he got checked up again in like three to five years.”_

_“Okay.” Jinyoung replied before bowing at him_

_“Take care of him young man, he looks like a tough one but he shouldn’t have risked his life like that today. Don’t allow him to take sleeping pills.” the forty year old looking doctor said winking at him_

_He left without seeing if Jaebum was doing fine or not._

_‘Let him figure it out on his own’, thought Jinyoung as he walked angrily to catch a bus heading toward another bus stop to help him get to Seoul._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've come this far I thank you so much. I really appreciate each and every response provided to this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is just to situate Jinyoung in his surroundings again. omg psycho but it's okay ended today and I cried. it was such a good drama and I'm gonna miss but I'm glad 2gether airs soon.

_And I know it's long gone and_

_There was nothing else I could do_

_And I forget about you long enough_

_To forget why I needed to_

  * _All Too Well by Taylor Swift_



\--- 

"But uncle!" exclaimed Soeun "You guys didn't meet if my Jaebummie was asleep the whole time!" 

Jinyoung chuckled at this and her lips that were beginning to form a frown. 

"Soeun-ah the thing is I had to go home that day. But Jaebum can explain to you how it is that that day was our meetup." 

"Uncle Jaebum?!?" yelled Soeun as she raced toward her other uncle who was making dinner 

Jihyo smiled at her daughter's small form as she ran toward her uncle in search of answers. Jinyoung smiled real hard himself at his niece's necessity to be informed of every little detail of his love life. Of course, everyone kept asking him since he had kept it a secret that he had met Jaebum and that they had fixed their misunderstandings. In the eyes of his family and friends he saw Jaebum as a foe. Someone that he would crush if he has the chance. Little did they know that Jinyoung actually _loved_ him so much that his resentment for the mistreatment he passed through shone more than any other feeling he had for the elder. 

A few minutes later Jaebum came in carrying Soeun who was eating a lollipop. 

"Soeun!" exclaimed Jihyo "What did I say about snacking before dinner!" 

"Eomma!" whined her five year old

"No eomma" Jihyo rose from her seat and grabbed her daughter "Daddy is waiting and he won't like it if you don't finish your food and have sweets instead." 

"Ah, sister it won't hurt her. I promise Jaebum will be more careful next time." 

Jaebum sheepishly bowed as Jinyoung's sister and her daughter proceeded to say their goodbyes and head home. 

When the door was locked Jaebum grabbed Jinyoung and asked him why Soeun was asking so many questions. 

"Well yebbo she might have found the one for her just like we did many years ago." Jinyoung sat down where his sister had been sitting minutes ago and patted for Jaebum to sit beside him

"They even quarrelled like we used to do so often back -" 

"We never quarrelled, we simply had differing opinions." Jaebum said cutting Jinyoung short 

"Oh but hyung do you remember when you got out of the hospital and you went searching for me that same day." 

"I had the hospital clothes." mused Jaebum 

"And you hadn't shaved." recalled Jinyoung 

"Those were sweet times." 

"But my words to you -" 

"Only solidified my love for you hyung." cut in Jinyoung as he grabbed his husband's face and pecked his cheek 

"What did I tell you about calling me hyung?" 

"Yes, hyung?" 

At that Jaebum motioned for Jinyoung to move his face closer to his. Jinyoung shook his head with a smirk but did as told, coming close to Jaebum's facial moles. They were his favorite but he knew he couldn't star for long, Jaebum would - 

"Ow." exclaimed Jinyoung at the finger flick 

"You deserve that and more you prankster." spoke Jaebum with crossed arms 

"How? Your moles are the pranksters." 

"My - what?" hooted Jaebum 

"Come here." Jinyoung yelled as Jaebum pranced away from his towards the other side of the room, leaving the house 

"Ya!" Jinyoung "Give me a fair fight don't just leave the house!" 

\--- 

_Jinyoung arrived directly in front of his house but his eyes are closed. When he opened them he say a ray of sunshine but he didn't know if he was imagining it or the exterior of his childhood house radiated a glow like no other._

_Before he could decide the front door swung open and right there before his eyes was his mother._

_"Jinyoung-ah!" she stuttered out_

_"Eommoni." he nodded as he said his bags down and reached out for a hug_

_She smelled of lemons and garlic, a strange combination but one that Jinyoung could get used to again and again. It was a reminder that his mother was cooking day in and out. That today, she wasn't just cooking as a job but because her eldest had come home._

_The hallway before he reached the living room was just as spacious as he had left it. It smelled like roast chicken and rice and of course his favorite drink, lemonade. He touched the kitchen table and smiled knowing that his mother had set everything up to show off to him. She had bought a new checkered tablecloth and an expensive one at that!_

_Music was playing from the second floor and when Jinyoung moved his head towards the sound his mother smiled._

_Her eyes crinkled at the edges, her gaze soft as she said "Jihyo has got a new obsession. You know her, always keeping up with the different singers and celebrities. Goodness me I'm too old for that myself now."_

_"No eomma," retorted Jinyoung "Jihyo just has nothing to do but you do."_

_"You're right honey." his mom replied kissing his forehead_

_Jinyoung missed this. He missed this conversation. He missed the sound of his sister's feet walking around the house. His dad arriving just in time for him to kiss them both goodnight. He closed his eyes and relaxed under the soft touch of his mothers' lips on his forehead and sighed._

_"Jinyoung oppa!!!" he heard Jihyo before he saw her_

_At fourteen years old Jihyo was strikingly tall, almost her hyung's height just that his head was above hers by an inch or so._

_"I thought I would only see you_ **_after_ ** _you finished college. It's a sight to see you not hung up on the past."_

_"Jihyo!" their mother snapped "Watch your language young lady!"_

_"I didn't say nothing that wasn't true or was naught though!"_

_"It's 'anything' sister," Jinyoung snickered " But you're right about everything else."_

_"Mother he's doing it again!" Jihyo whined at her mother who was walking toward the kitchen " He's acting all smart."_

_Their mother shook her head and ordered for them to go wash up and get the dishes ready for her to serve them dinner._

_After dinner, they took out folding chairs and sat in the cool night air talking mostly nonsense and catching up. His mother went back inside the house and he sat with Jihyo who was busy with a firefly in a can she brought out._

_"For that you need a glass bottle."_

_"I know hyung." Jihyo said smiling "But I don't have one right now."_

_She stood up but seemed to think better of it and sat down again peering at her brother's face._

_"You seem better." she observed_

_"What do you mean?" he asked but he_ **_knew what she meant by that_ **

_"You stopped reminiscing about the past. You seem more mellowed out after your trip to aunt and uncle's. Did you perhaps meet a nice girl you're going to take home for us to meet soon??"_

_He blushed and sighed happily that she didn't continue pestering him about why he was so sad after all those years._

_"No such thing sister."_

_"Ah, tough luck. Find one soon so I can have a sister in law."_

_At this they locked gazes and laughed out loud._

_Just in time his mother arrived with a cake singing happy birthday. Jinyoung was shocked but with tears streaming down his brown eyes he accepted the cake and blew the candles with a wish._ **_The one he always wished for._ **

_When he opened his eyes he felt warmth at the cheers and just as if it couldn't be enough his dad showed up behind them and gave him his gift. A scarf. One that was similar to his five year old one. Just that this one was new and was accompanied with a note._

_It read:_

_Live for yourself. Do for yourself. Life is gorgeous but it is waiting to be fixed._

_-unsigned_

_He smiled, his eye smile showing as tears streamed again and he choked up so much that everybody rushed to his side to see how he was. They soon realized he was crying tears of love. Tears of warmth and realization that he was back to good._

_The next day arrived later than any of them would've expected. It was a bright sunny day full of expectations for the next day even though this day had barely begun._

_After breakfast Jinyoung was told about the visitor who would arrive in about 20 minutes._

_"How come no one told me!?!"_

_"I didn't have the brain cells to recall." Jihyo muttered eating the remaining cookie in the cookie jar_

_"Ugh," Jinyoung replied "What's your problem now?"_

_"Ugh yourself the cookie was for me. Also, the visitor is for me if that has you in jitters."_

_Jinyoung was going to keep questioning her till she told him all the details but suddenly a knock echoed through the house._

_He was sent to open the door and right in front of him was Jaebum._

**_Jaebum._ ** _His heart shattered again as the elder studied him with indifference and entered his house without even a 'hello'. The August leaves fell on the ground as Jinyoung stared out. His eyes noticed the leaves falling to cover a patch of grass surrounding the nearby flowers. It was as if he would be healed soon but he felt so broken, he wanted to be patched up like the ground when he felt a grab on his arm and he was pulled into the house._

_His eyes landed on twin moles and he swallowed before he spoke._


	4. Jaebum's POV (special)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello luvlies I caught pink eye and so couldn't update bit I am backkkk with Jaebum's POV as a special thing because of the responses this fanfic has recieved. I wanna work on a 2Gether fanfic but idk. I'll see. Enjoy luvlies 
> 
> \- ana

_When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No … don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!”_

  * _**Captain Corelli’s Mandolin** by Louis de Bernières_



_When Jaebum made eye contact with Jinyoung he couldn't believe his eyes. His stomach squelched and his heart felt as if it was on fire - if that were possible. He had ft this way before, before he left Jinyoung to figure it out on his own but he also knew that he shouldn't get his hopes up. That he shouldn't embark on a trip down memory lane with his feelings when Jinyoung seemed pissed._

_Actually, looking at him again, he seemed as though he wanted to kill someone. To kill him. And as much as he felt he deserved that he was left with surprise at the fact that Jinyoung closed the door on him and left him outside._

_The cool autumn breeze felt much too cold for him now after he had just been. He huffed and was about to leave when the door reopened and a young teenage girl came out._

_"I can't believe you were scared of my tutor Jinyoungah," she yelled inside the house as she neared Jaebum_

_Jaebum angled his head in confusion. Jinyoung was scared of him? Is that what he had told the girl he was going to tutor?_

_"Sorry," the girl spoke as she extended her arm in front of Jaebum "Excuse my brother's rude manners."_

_"I_ **_am not scared of him_ ** _!"_

_"I am not scared of him!" mocked his sister_

_Jaebum smirked at her audacity knowing that Jinyoung despised when others mocked anything he did or said._

_He was taken inside the house by Jihyo and told to wait in the living room as she prepared herself._

_"I wasn't quite ready for you Jaebummie." Jihyo said winking at him with intent to startle him_

_Jaebum was startled and to hide that he sat on why he had even grabbed Jinyoung. Of course he would startle him after such a long time! However, he didn't know that he would ever have the younger face to face ever again and he wanted to make sure that those eyes were indeed the same ones that he had in his memory of every Fourth of July till he left this town._

_He sighed and looked up to the direction of that girl's - Jihyo - Jinyoung's sister's bedroom was located at. He was itching to head over where Jinyoung was but he knew he would cause a ruckus in Jinyoung's life again and he_ **_knew damn well_ ** _how much Jinyoung had suffered._

_Jaebum couldn't quite say the same about himself so he sat where he was told to. He only ever left the living room to head towards the restroom which was down the hall. It was a dark hall and even though he had received treatment for his trauma his hand shook as he grabbed the door handle and felt himself self-combust when the door opened and he came face to face with Jinyoung again._

_"Hey-" Jinyoung grabbed onto Jaebum who was lunging forward, sweat pouring down his forehead_

_Jaebum stabilized himself a couple of seconds after and excused himself as he stepped into the restroom. He splashed water in his face after Jinyoung had left and he cursed under his breath at the fact that he had allowed himself to be seen weak in front of Jinyoung. He didn't want that, especially since he was the one who had saved his life two days before._

_The medics had been reluctant to let him leave given the circumstances in which he had arrived but he had vowed to sign up for psychiatric care and support for the next month. It was then that they told him that a young man of his age had been with him. At first he had wanted to leave within five minutes of arriving with him to the hospital but he was told what his condition was and he stayed a little bit longer. He asked the doctors how he was and if Jaebum needed a lot of care. When he was told Jaebum was in the clear and that he only suffered from sleep apnea he left._

_Only Jaebum hadn't suffered from that. He had tried to commit suicide._

_"Fuck," huffed Jaebum under his breath when the memory of waking up hit him again and he felt disappointed that he was still alive_

_That's what_ **_he_ ** _wanted anyway. He couldn't hate Jinyoung for being the one who had saved him but he felt unsure as to what he really felt about seeing him again. He couldn't even deem seeing him again as a coincidence. It seemed to be life's trick or some sort of punishment. Not to be whiny but he didn't enjoy it one bit even though it had just been two days. It could possibly turn into more than that._

_"Thanks for all your help today!" Jihyo shrieked at him as he left for the day_

_"You're welcome." Jaebum couldn't help but blush_

_"Please come on time instead of earlier cause if not I'll speak Korean and not English when we meet next time!!"_

_An unmistaken chuckle was heard from afar._

_"He's your English tutor?" Jinyoung emerged with a bottle of strawberry milk_

_"Of course he is Jinyoungah," Jihyo said narrowing her eyes at Jinyoung and jabbing his stomach with her elbow "And he's better than you."_

_"No he's not." Jinyoung replied staring angrily at Jaebum_

_"Sorry about my immature older brother," Jihyo said taking Jaebum's arm and guiding him out_

_"He forgets," Jaebum said loudly "that I taught him all the English he knows now."_

_Jihyo didn't ask for him to elaborate but nodded and waved at him goodbye as he left._

_He didn't even get a reaction from Jinyoung but he knew how it would go if he did._

_\---_

"I learned English on my own hyung!" 

Jaebum shook his head knowingly at Jinyoung's rhetoric across the room sitting cross legged on the floor. He was wearing a simple white long sleeve shirt, a favorite of his because of how childlike Jinyoung looked with it. He certainly looked like how he did in their high school days. 

"Yeah yeah." Jaebum mused under his breath 

Jinyoung crinkled his nose and stood up while almost falling down "No, you know **I** taught you." 

Jaebum was surprised at the change in tone and the fact that he had changed his explanation for disliking that Jaebum said **he had taught** Jinyoung. 

"Did you?" Jaebum stood from his seat near the kitchen table and walked over to Jinyoung 

"Yes." Jinyoung swallowed as Jaebum approached him 

"If you say so." 

"But I did!!!!" Jinyoung said tailgating him across the whole house the entire rest of the day

All Jaebum could do was laugh and shrug it off as much as he could so that Jinyoung would get even more unnerved. Eventually he budged, but not without letting Jinyoung know that he **was thought to have been teaching** but Jaebum hardly learned anything but Jinyoung's facial features. 

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for taking almost a month to post. i was so unmotivated but have picked myself up now and will update as usual. i am planning maybe 5 eps more and this will be done :) 
> 
> \- ana

_ I'd go back in time and change it but I can't _

_ So if the chain is on your door, I understand _

_ But this is me swallowing my pride _

_ Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night _

_ And I go back to December _

  * _Back to December by Taylor Swift_



...

Jinyoung would say on days full of sleeplessness and no coffee in the mornings that the days in which he didn't have to tell Jaebum to turn his clothes inside out were the best. That he would want the bed for himself again  **especially** when they had a fight and Jaebum called him petty. 

But then he is reminded by his love for the big strong arms that hold him in the mornings and that Jaebum is the one that hears him rant about his coworkers. 

The day they actually talked out what split them up comes to him in waves and in images in his head throughout the year. It is strongest when the date nears and this year is no different. Every year Jaebum does something to make it up to him and it takes Jinyoung by surprise, always. 

This year, Jaebum is extra cautious that Jinyoung doesn't know what he's going to pull under the rug. His eyes are glimmering more than usual and Jinyoung can't help but smile softly at his husband. 

Jaebum prepared breakfast - as he often does as a treat for Jinyoung who would only survive on coffee if he had to have anything before work. 

"So Jaebummie," Jinyoung spoke with mischief "you know I already know what you have ready for me today." 

Jaebum was setting the plates with rice and soup but when he heard that he turned around and stared at Jinyoung with his eyes as wide as they opened. A pout was visible in his face and he set down his blue plate before replying with aegyo. 

"How could you? Already?" 

Jinyoung couldn't help but muffle his laugh - trying his hardest to not make Jaebum upset about his attempts at making the day a good one. 

"Mhmm yeobo." 

"Awww you're so mean." 

At this Jinyoung is forced to stifle a giggle and look as serious as he can muster. Thankfully, Jaebum doesn’t detect the quick facial expression change that Jinyoung’s face goes through, and if he does he doesn’t make it clear that he knows. 

Jaebum sets the plates in front of him and Jinyoung can’t help but blink rapidly and bite his lip at the sweetness of having the food he has in front of him. Tears well up in his eyes and he wraps his arms around Jaebum. 

“Of course you would Jaebum.” he manages to huff out 

\---

_ It is March when Jinyoung realizes that Jaebum hasn’t left as he would’ve thought he would’ve.  _

_ It is also that exact month when he ponders about how he feels about that.  _

_ His thoughts whir at what Jaebum staying means, constantly.  _

_ It’s not fair to him that he wants to hate the idea when his family seem to have made up their mind about Jaebum and his place in the family. Jinyoung’s mother is more than happy to situate a spot for Jaebum in the kitchen table when it gets late. His father insists everytime that he could stay in a guest room, but  _ **_everytime_ ** _ Jaebum thanks him and leaves, not before stealing a glance at Jinyoung as if in fear. And god, Jihyo even offers to help Jaebum get a good girlfriend.  _

_ Today however, Jaebum hasn’t arrived and he can’t help but have to constantly shake away one bad thought after another.  _

_ He knows Jaebum is fine but he also doesn’t know for a fact, and for good measure he thinks he should know. He should, to be able to ignore him again and be at peace.  _

_ Everyone in his family seems okay with the situation and so he decides to let it go, Jaebum not arriving one day doesn’t mean he was harmed.  _

_ But he  _ **_does arrive_ ** _ and when he doesn he looks so lethargic that Jinyoung nearly asks him if he wants a bottle of water or tea.  _

_ Jaebum hands Jihyo what would’ve been the schedule for the day and apologizes shakily and that’s when Jinyoung notices the cuts on his arm.  _

_ Jinyoung doesn’t remember ever seeing that and he  _ **_knows_ ** _ that those cuts are not normal, somehow they look like - _

_ Just as Jaebum is heading downstairs, exactly 2 hours after Jaebum stepped in and Jinyoung realizes something is fundamentally off about Jaebum, Jinyoung asks his mom to cook for Jaebum.  _

_ "I thought you didn't like Jaebum honey?"  _

_ "Eomma!" Jinyoung whined as he shook her playfully  _

_ "Alright," she picked up her favorite wooden spoon "You must have your reasons and I'll go with them."  _

_ He was too late however, and Jaebum stepped out of the house before his mother could get to him. In a haze he jogged as fast as he could, trying to catch up to Jaebum.  _

_ "Jaebum!" he yelled when he saw him  _

_ In the cold air he winced as his voice seemed to echo across the alley in which he found himself in.  _

_ "Jinyoung?" Jaebum turned around holding a brown bag in his hands  _

_ "Stop, don't you dare move." Jinyoung quickly reacted again and reached out to grab the bag from Jaebum's hands _

_ "What exactly are you doing?"  _

_ "You can't do this to yourself Jaebum."  _

_ At this, Jaebum raised his eyebrows in confusion and huffed out cold air before closing his eyes and exhaling deeply.  _

_ "I thought you didn't know me."  _

_ "I -"  _

_ "I thought I was  _ **_just_ ** _ your sister's tutor. Am I not?"  _

_ "Y-yes." Jinyoung stammered _

_ "Then  _ **_leave me alone, client_ ** _."  _

_ Jaebum took the bag back and coldly turned to leave.  _

_ "Ah," he paused eyeing Jinyoung "If you were wondering why I left you should come up with a better way to corner me, don't you think?"  _

_ Jinyoung practically burned him with eyes when he heard that and before Jaebum could react he punched him in the stomach.  _

_ "How dare you."  _

_ Jaebum doubled over in pain as if the pain he felt had been sustained for quite some time. However, he managed to pick himself back up and threw the brown bag at Jinyoung.  _

_ "Check it for yourself Jinyoung. I ain't got drugs on me."  _

_ "I didn't!"  _

_ "Oh but you did," Jaebum pointed at his face "Just like everyone else."  _

_ "What? Who's everyone else?"  _

_ "I missed you too. But fuck it if I ever searched for you, huh?" Jaebum said with tears in his eyes "That's what you're thinking right?"  _

_ When Jinyoung didn't reply he started to giggle softly, it was sad to observe on Jinyoung's end. It was like a bad record player, like watching Jaebum dying.  _

_ "Jaebum-"  _

_ "No. Let me finish! I never deserved such a friendship."  _

_ Jinyoung was shaking like the flowers in the cherry blossom trees next to him.  _

_ "I  _ **_never loved you_ ** _. And I never will." Jaebum said through gritted teeth "There, I've given you a response. You'll always be a memory to me.  _

_ It would be an hour before Jinyoung could physically move from that spot. When he did he picked up the plastic bag and when he opened it he almost cried out loud.  _

_ In it was a single macaroon. His favorite flavor too.  _


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write because I feel like being a person that has never been treated for my own mental health issues I don't know what treatment would be best for Jaebum. Pls excuse me for being incorrect (if I am).  
> Another update coming Sunday! This will be ending soon omg I never thought I'd finish a fanfic. My still2gether fanfic will be open soon!!
> 
> \- Ana

_ It’s melting, all the hurtful words _

_ It’s flowing away, all the painful memories _

_ It’s disappearing, all the aching scars _

_ It’s passing _

  * _That Day by Lovelyz_



_ It was strange actually, when Jaebum said those words Jinyoung expected his heart to plunge and to feel like crying like many years before. His heart seemed to be pumping normally though. Initially he thought that it was because the shock was still not hitting him.  _

_ But soon it was April and Jinyoung was excited to be finishing his junior year of high school.  _

_ His heart was light with the feeling of spring in the air and the fact that soon Jihyo wouldn't need a tutor.  _

_ Ever since that day both boys became even more distant but it seemed to be for the best. In fact, Jinyoung felt it was healthy for both of them that way. He wished coming of age dramas would show this side of letting a relationship finish. Of having a clean slate to start off from.  _

_ Just like the snow that used to be on his porch, the bad feelings and the tension surrounding them went away. It took so many months, but at last they could be in the same space without feigning approval.  _

_ It was a Tuesday afternoon when Jinyoung was coming back from school and setting his backpack down on the kitchen counter that he noticed a note left for him.  _

_ It read :  _

_ It pains me to have to have left and to have to leave you again in such a way without even slightly explaining my situation to you Jinyoung. I never wanted to be the reason you hurt. Your sister told me what happened after that night in which I declared to you that you were a thing of the past for me.  _

_ I don't think I even gave you the benefit of the doubt as to why you would even chase after me. It is myself whom I hate and I need to get better before we can even have a heart to heart.  _

_ I'm sorry for your pain. Please forgive me.  _

  * _Jaebum_



_ It was signed hastily, as though he had been in a rush to leave Jinyoung's house.  _

_ Jihyo opened the door to their house the moment Jinyoung was clear minded enough to rush out the door.  _

_ "Jinyoung-"  _

_ In his mind he knew he should just stay and not try to search for Jaebum but his insistent mind told him that Jaebum would be out of his grasp  _ **_again_ ** _. Truth be told, he didn't know if he could take that after so many years. There was also the tone in the note -  _

_ Somehow the situation reminded him of himself and he knew he had to find Jaebum before he was actually out of reach.  _

_ Meeting him again felt like destiny. Forgetting the words between each other and forgiving each other's foolishness came first to Jinyoung now.  _

_ As he chased after Jaebum he recalled a conversation with his friend Bambam at lunch that very same day.  _

_ _ _

_ "Jinyoung don't you think the best thing you could do is reward yourself in these times?"  _

_ With questioning eyes Jinyoung turned to look at Bambam in his place at the lunch line.  _

_ "You know man, you put too much on yourself but you shouldn't try and keep it all in. And once you've let go of what you have bottled in, help someone else."  _

_ "What's this  _ **_really_ ** _ about Bam?"  _

_ "Oh you caught me." Bam smiled cheesily and got his food before Jinyoung could  _

_ Once they were seated with their group composed of them, Youngjae and Yugyeom Bambam told the other boys the same lines. _

_ "Bam stop practicing your lines on us!" Yugyeom sais kicking Bambam on his shins _

_ Jinyoung smiled and helped in making Bam ask for forgiveness for his idiotic move to try to use them again.  _

_ _ _

_ Now looking at it, it had been like a sign somehow that he shouldn't worry about what others thought. He knew himself best and if helping Jaebum was what he needed to do now, he would.  _

_ 'Jaebum most surely isn't all that defenseless but he sure as hell acts like he's the toughest person too.'  _

_ Jinyoung knows that for a fact. He also knows that Jaebum is selfless to the point of exhausting himself mentally and physically.  _

_ When they were six Jaebum gave Jinyoung all his lunch food and his money to get food. It was only when Jaebum tried to get up from his seat on the playground that Jinyoung noticed that Jaebum hadn't eaten. By then, Jaebum had fainted in the 99°F heat of the summer.  _

_ Oddly Jinyoung recalls it was the same day he gave Jinyoung a macaroon. Vanilla flavored. And as he was sent to the hospital, his mother fussing about her son, Jaebum flashed him a smile and waved at him 'goodbye'.  _

_ The back of his mind recalls the macaroon and the opposite emotion that flashed on Jaebum's face a month ago.  _

_ It seemed that it was a sign.  _

_ Jinyoung turned a corner and it hit him. Another memory, and he realized that Jaebum was luring him towards the playground.  _

_ He walked slowly just in case and when he saw him in the lover's seats it was like a mirror stood beside him. Six and seventeen year old Jinyoung fell for the same damn trick. _

_ Soon he was running towards Jaebum and he wrapped his arms around him.  _

_ "You idiot." He huffed before cupping Jaebum's face before him and smiling like a fool  _

_ "Hmm, your fool you mean."  _

_ They weren't together. Not yet, but they were finding things out before they could even talk it all out. Before the heart to heart that Jaebum offered.  _

_ It wasn't enough for Jinyoung but he knew that he was  _ **_safe_ ** _ and that his Jaebum had merely gone for a bit. That he wouldn't have wanted to have left Jinyoung like that if it weren't for the  _ **_incident_ ** _.  _

_ "No, you're just a fool." Jinyoung said letting him go and looking at Jaebum expectantly _

_ "Hmm what?" Jaebum said when Jinyoung couldn't stop looking at him  _

_ "Um don't you have anything to tell me?"  _

_ "Oh," Jaebum grimaced "Yeah but you won't like it."  _

_ "Why?" Jinyoung's heart quivered in fear as he saw a darkness descend on Jaebum's facial features _

_ Jaebum let out a breath  _

_ "I'm gonna get pyschotherapy and I won't be back till 3 years time."  _

_ Jinyoung felt like his world was spinning when he heard those words.  _

_ Jaebum was suffering from a mental illness. Since when? Why didn't he know?  _

_ Jaebum looked down at his hands and started to pick at his nails when Jinyoung's face fell.  _

_ "I'm sorry to disappoint you. My doctor just said that this would be best for me getting better and I -"  _

_ Jinyoung didn't let him finish and hugged him for a second time that day.  _

_ "You've done nothing wrong. Nothing to ever disappoint me. I will support you the best I can Jaebum ah."  _

_ Even if he couldn't see him again for so long.  _

_ Even then. _


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking forever to update!!! zoom classes have me really tired and i've barely started them! i also had so much to do! i hope to finish this by sunday so that i can upload the next chapter in a scheduled time. cross fingers yall. 
> 
> \- ana

_You're in my head_

_Always, always_

_I just got scared_

_Away, away_

_I'd rather choke on my bad decisions_

_Then just carry them to my grave_

_You're in my head_

_Always, always, always_

  * _Always by Gavin James_



_In retrospective Jinyoung knows that he will always carry the shadows of the past. He knows he shouldn't dwell on it any longer, especially when he's currently waiting at the airport for Jaebum. He can't help it though, as he holds a small ring in his hands and a matching one in his pocket - a bit bigger than the one he holds._

_He spent the three years thinking how much he had wanted to leave Korea someday and accompany Jaebum. He knew how hard it was to accept that he needed psychological help those many years ago. Jaebum's eyes held the same softness before he left but they also held a glint of fear. It was unnatural for him to ask for help and Jinyoung knew._

_The details of the triggers were provided to Jinyoung by Jaebum himself. It was shocking to say the least that Jaebum would want to pack up and disappear whenever someone treated him with love. At one point Jaebum chuckled and stated how much he thought he was just antisocial._

_"If that's so, Jaebum it isn't your fault!'"Jinyoung spoke earnestly_

_Jaebum's face tensed at that and Jinyoung was about to say something when Jaebum smiled._

_"Thank you.'"_

_He didn't elaborate and Jinyoung didn't need him to._

_Every passing autumn Jinyoung would reflect back on that conversation that took place two months before Jaebum left him. To New York City where Jinyoung had been. It seemed destiny and Jinyoung knew better than to call it that but he_ **_felt it_ ** _. He wanted to be the person Jaebum would get better with not_ **_for_ ** _. Because then there would only be apologies and Jinyoung had had enough of those._

_Maybe we'll meet when we're older._

_That thought had permeated itself on Jinyoung's mind but he fought it with the best inside of him the whole time. He felt week when he felt like drowning, during those sleepless nights and mornings without any good news. Without him._

_He ended up not going to college for fear that Jaebum would end up being a stranger again and he would have to catch another train. He also did it because he wanted to become an actor._

_"You can study for that Nyoung." his mother told him_

_"Yes," he nodded a pen in his hand "But I need time to myself too and school won't allow that for me. I don't want to experience school as an adult. I want to get my own job and have a place for Jaebum and I so when he comes back he'll feel at home.'"_

_"He's already your home." his sister mischeviously countered_

_He could only shrug that statement shyly off._

_The hardest part about them being apart were the time differences and he always felt like he was falling short of saying what he wanted to say. He was always falling asleep and he needed Jaebum to be the one to tell him he had to go_ **_not_ ** _for Jaebum to have to hear him snoring softly and muttering something stupid under his breath._

_These conversations - if you could call it that - became their 'bedtime talks' since Jaebum slept in the morning and found a job at night to hear Jinyoung more often._

_"What about your studies?'"Jinyoung countered when he told him about his new job_

_'This_ **_is_ ** _my lifelong dream and job in one Jinyoungah.'_

_Jinyoung couldn't cajole him because he knew he wanted to act and his family were still a little against_ **_that_ ** _so he just smiled and said he would support him if that's what he wanted to do._

_"Thank you.'"_

_Those words were the sweetest to Jinyoung for some reason and he would glow every time he heard them. It magnified his love for Jaebum and even though he couldn't tell him he loved him yet he sent him as much romance as he could. He just didn't know if he had done all he could._

_Jinyoung had insisted that he wanted to go see him in New York and Jaebum had assured him he was fine as though Jinyoung just wanted to see his son, not his lover. That's when Jinyoung started having thoughts that messed with his already insomnia state._

_'What if Jaebum has someone else already? Someone more beautiful? More understanding?'_

_'What if I don't answer his call and he finds some other distraction? Is that all I am to him?'_

_Those six months he found it hard to find his footing again and he ended up in the emergency room. When he awoke the anguish in his mother's face was evident by her brows raising and her move to leave the room and wake her husband and say in a broken whisper that 'Jinyoungie is awake'._

_He held his mother's hand all throughout that day as his mother cried about how he had an unstable sleeping pattern and he wasn't eating well - too much stress was taking a toll on his body._

_The doctor seemed really familiar and it wasn't when he asked him how his boyfriend was doing that it hit him._

_"Doctor! The one Jaebum saw for his emergency on the plane.'"_

_The doctor snickered and proceeded to ask again about Jaebum._

_"He's getting counseling for his depression and antisocial tendencies.'"_

_The doctor nodded and sat across from Jinyoung with a sigh._

_"I shouldn't be the one to tell you Jinyoungsshi but that day you brought him here he was living on a thread.'"_

_"What - what do you mean?" Jinyoung sat up at that_

_"He had taken sleeping pills and when we did exams on him they seemed to have been more than prescribed. He also showed signs of having cut himself."_

_Jinyoung swallowed as he felt like a bucket of cold water had just been thrown on him._

_Now the words Jaebun had said to him became clearer - was he attempting it again?_

_…_

_His mind was drifting and it was then that he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and in front of him were the same broad shoulders he recalled, the sweetest face and most beloved person in his life._

_Time seemed to move in slow motion - it always seemed to when he was in the presence of a loved one. In contrast or as a paradox his heart beat faster and faster. He couldn't get away now and he knew it as he smiled right in front of the man that he had always wanted to love and could do so now._

_"So?'"Jaebum mused over Jinyoung as the younger proceeded to stand up_

_Both felt the most pleasant rush of emotions that they had felt in years. If in fact their silence could speak up it would probably say that they were beaming with joy and radiating with the comfort of having one another again. **Again.** _

_But there were hints of worry, anger and confusion residing in their hearts that they still had to go through together. Even then, even in the unspoken they knew that they loved each other more than they could muster up to say. Especially since both were too into their own minds to actually say anything like “I love you” often. The fleeting instances of those moments would always be cherished by both of them._

_At that moment however, they weren’t bristling with each other._

_“Jinyoungah,” Jinyoung mustered after ten minutes had passed of them standing still looking at each other “I’m hungry.”_

_“Then go get food.”_

_Jaebum pouted and started to move towards the airport’s cafeteria when Jinyoung stopped him with a hug._

_“Your insatiable hunger is at it again hyung,” Jinyoung teased as he pulled Jaebum closer even though he wanted to kiss him and not just hug him_

_It seemed that Jaebum noticed him staring at his lips and so asked if he wanted to kiss him._

_“What? No!” Jinyoung blushed_

_“Really?” Jaebum muttered under his breath just loud enough for Jinyoung to hear “I must not be that kisable then. I mean why wouldn’t you just kiss me if you were actually heavily into me. I must’ve been mistaken. I’m not quite sure about how you’ll feel about moving in with me and -”_

_Before Jaebum could continue Jinyoung reached up and kissed him. Jinyoung hadn’t tasted Jaebum’s lips before and he felt_ _so light headed that he abruptly pulled away when Jaebum snaked his arms around him to keep him in place. Jaebum quickly opened up his eyes and was about to retort about how he didn’t even get to “kiss kiss him” when Jinyoung connected their lips again. This time for longer than a second Jinyoung could taste the sweetest sugary cupcake on Jaebum’s lips could feel Jaebum’s heartbeat a little bit closer and he knew that this was it. He was on the highest rollercoaster of happiness that his life had granted him._

_In fact, he was so_ _sure that this was_ **_all_ ** _to it when Jaebum suddenly put his tongue in his mouth and he was surprised but not that concerned about giving him access to his mouth. (He had brushed his teeth well, sure that Jaebum would find him so hard to resist that this would happen, they had in fact talked about it the previous night.)_

_When they both pulled away they were breathless and someone was yelling about something near them. Something about them?_ _Them._

_It was Jinyoung’s sister Jihyo yelling from afar hysterically and Jaebum could only laugh at her sight. She was holding a hand to her mouth and bunched up her skirt yelling at them to “go at it” and “yassss gays” as she ran towards them._

_Jaebum and Jinyoung looked at each other and smiled. They were together and Jaebum was home._ **_Home with open arms._ **


End file.
